Year 4 have been writing poems about World War 2. Our success criteria focussed on experimenting with language and imagery. The children would love some feedback!
World War Two
Bang! Went the
bombs as they hit the ground children screaming all around.
Adults waving goodbye to their child as they
won’t be seeing them for quite a while.
Children crying
while women wave and men praying for their child’s fate.
Meanwhile
men go to war but some sadly drop to the floor.The bombs run to the ground, people quietly sneak around…
People
hiding in the blackout, no light to see about.
They
blackened the night until dawn,They shut all windows including the door.
Some women and men will survive but some still will die.
People thinking of running away but say they must stay.
Children thinking they need to go so, that is what they do it’s their only hope.
People
waiting for the war to end,
Let’s hope
they don’t come to a sticky end.
By Erin
4P
London Town
Air raid
sirens, screeching noise,
Smash!
London is part of a devastating decoy?
Children
sobbing, grown-ups too,
The cellar’s
like a graveyard,
“I’ll go if
you do…”
Evacuees on
the skipping horse,
Hoping that
they stay on course,
Wanting to meet
a friendly face,
Wondering if
they can cope with the case...
The
atmosphere kicked out all of the glee,
Hoping their
new carers are kind,
Thinking
about what food they’ll find.
By Haddy 4P
In the City
Boom! Bombs
quickly gliding through massive buildings,
Smash! The
tremendous trains are cheetahs zooming through grass.
Cars
colliding and crashing,
Mysterious
aeroplanes quickly dashing,
Air raid
sirens screeching like rapid wheels speeding across the tarmac.
As fear is
fiercely enveloping the city,
Chaos will
be calling her,
Smoke
invading, ashes flaming,
Guns flying
to the ground as men are praying.
Weeping
women waving away,
Mindful men
nodding to the ground,
Children
stepping on the train leaving town,
They look at
faces and see frowns.
I am extremely impressed with all the different techniques you have managed to include in your poems. I have spotted alliteration (devastating decoys, weeping women), similes (like a graveyard), metaphors (are zooming cheetahs) and personification (sirens screeching). Very high level writing, well done!
ReplyDeleteMiss Harris
Well done, 4P! 5R were thoroughly impressed by your poems. Here are some comments on your writing.
ReplyDeleteErin - we really liked your use of onomatopoeia (“Bang!”). Although effective poems do not have to rhyme, we like that yours does. We also thought you used a range of punctuation very effectively. To improve, we would like to see you creating more imagery using similes, personification etc.
Haddy - we loved your use of a range of punctuation, including very effective direct speech. Your alliteration also reinforced the imagery ("devastating decoy”). We like that your poem rhymes too, but we’re not quite sure what you mean by “cope with the case” or “the skipping horse”. Is the latter a metaphor? Could you explain this to us? To improve your writing, we thought you could use a simile.
Asher - you used lots of poetic features extremely effectively: alliteration ("Boom"!, "Smash!"), a metaphor ("the tremendous trains are cheetahs") and alliteration ("cars colliding", "weeping women waving"). Our favourite thing about your poem was your use of very effective powerful verbs throughout the second and third stanzas. We thought you could make your writing even more brilliant by including a range of punctuation to vary the pace, such as an ellipsis.
Great work 4P - we look forward to reading lots more of your writing!
5R
Great work Erin I really liked the onomatopoeia bang! Also I enjoyed your connective. Out standing work I thought.
ReplyDeleteFrom Malakai